|아버님을 뵙고 왔어요|
|| | 2013·11·11 20:46 | HIT : 14,163 | VOTE : 324 ||
아버님이 돌아가신 지 석달이 지나면서 아버님이 처음으로 꿈에 나타나셨다.
돌아가시기 전 아주 여윈 모습으로. 꿈속이나마 아버님을 뵙게되자 그 동안의 황망함이 그리움으로 다가오며,
이가을이 가기전에 추운 겨울이 오기전이란 생각에 괜시리 맘이 급해지면서 지난주에 천안으로 아버님을 뵙고 왔다.
그 좋던 가을날씨가 아침부터 꾸물대더니 묘원 정문에 도착하여 언덕을 오르니 비가 내리기 시작한다.
하지만 아버님이 계신 곳에 도착하였다는 생각 만으로도 마치 예전에 오랜만에 부모님 댁을 찾아 대문을 열고 들어서는 듯한 푸근함을느꼈다.
묘지에 도착하니 비가 더욱 내린다. 자리를 펴고 절을 드릴 수가 없을 정도로 비가 내린다.
난 우산을 든 채 아버님 묘소를 바라보며 상념에 빠진다.
그리곤 아버님께 소리내어 말씀을 건내기 시작했다.
마치 오랜만에 뵙고 그동안 있었던 이야기들을 들려드리는 맘으로. 우선 어머니 소식부터 말씀 드렸다.
아버님 가시고 처음엔 어머니는 종일 우시며, 영정사진 껴안고, 나혼자 어찌살까 하며 많이 힘드어 하셨지만
지금은 많이 안정을 찾으셨다는 말씀과 병상에서 다시한번 시작하고 있는 누나소식을 전하며 아버님 걱정하시지
않도록 평생 누나를 챙길 것을 약속도 드렸다.
저의 소리내어 드리는 이러한 가족소식에 아버님은 일일이 표정으로 행동으로 대답해 주시는 듯..
그리고 하룽[도 몇번씩 말씀 드려도 듣고 귀여운 손주녀석들 모습을 떠올리며 환하게 소리내어 웃으시던
그 추억의 이야기들. 그리고 건강을 회복하여 우리식구들에게 돌아온 아버님이 참 좋아하셨던 며느리 소식까지 전해드렸다.
비는 그칠 줄 모르고 계속 내린다. 막걸리를 한잔 따라 올리고 나는 계속 소리내어 아버님을 느꼈다.
그런 것을 느낄 정도로 아버님이 저의곁을 떠나신지 얼마 되지 않았다. 그리고 내년에 장가갈 예정인 동기소식이랑,
내년에 졸업하고 취업하게 될 그리고 내년에는 대학졸업반이 되는 장석장호의 소식을
[지갑 가지고 나오셨나요?] [천원 안주셔도 되요] 이야기와 함께 말씀 드리며 나도 모르게 소리내어 웃었다.
그리곤 다시 아버님이 넘어지셔서 머리를 다치신 후 돌아가시기 까지 1년 7개월동안 있었던
그 당황함과 절망감과 희망까지도 같이 있었던 그 회환의 시절 이야기를 들려드렸다.
예전의 기억들이 마구 섞이고 언행이 어눌해 지며 대소변 조절이 힘들어지며 무엇보다
이러한 당신의 모습을 보시곤 스스로 절망하시던 아버님의 이야기를 들려드렸다.
손주들 장가가고 살림꾸리며 아이들 낳고 살아가는 모습들을 지켜 보셔야지요..라는 바램은 자식들 욕심이겠지요?
올해 구정을 넘기며 급격히 행동반경이 줄어드시더니 급기야 누워서 대소변 받아내시고 코를 통해 튜브로 식사를 하시는 아버님께
오래 사시라는 맘은 어찌보면 가혹한 일일 수 있었지요?
[존엄]있게 아버님의 생을 마치실 수 있도록 제가 최선을 다해 도와드릴께요.. 라고 수 도없이
저의 일기에 적었던 저의 마음을 아버님은 이해하셨던 것 같아요..라고 말씀 드렸다.
그리곤 삼성을 다니며 지냈던 지난 3년동안의 시절이야기로 넘어갔다.
주말마다 부모님댁에 들려 장을 보고, 같이 상 차리고, 아버님과 소주잔을 나누고, 설거지하고, 청소하고, 겨앉아 드리고 하던
그 애듯하고 소중했던 부모님과의 마지막 추억들. 아버님과 우리 자식들과 같이 한 추억들이 참 많아요.
이 얼마나 소중한 일이였는지요.
백번도 더 들었을 그 수많은 이야기들을 소주한잔과 더불어 구수하게 해주시면,
우리는 [질문]까지 해가며 흥미진진하게 듣던 그 시간들에 대해 이야기를 이어갔어요.
이렇게 서서 우산을 쓴 채 아버님과 이야기를 나눈 지 어느덧 1시간 반 이 지나자 비가 멈추었다.
마치 내가 아버님께 전 할 이야기가 끝나기를 기다린 듯 했다. 비가 그치자 나는 가져온 자리를 펴고 뒤늦게 큰절을 올렸다.
갑자기 울움이 터져 나왔다. 소리내어 엉엉 울었다. 아버님 돌아가시고 처음으로 소리내어 울은 것 같다.
무엇이 그리고 슬프고 슬 퍼서 이렇게 소리내어 울었나.
아버님이 보고싶은 마음에 그리고 아버님이 이세상이 안계신다는 현실이 슬퍼서 그리도 울었던 것 같다.
다시 또 올께요..라는 말을 드리고 돌아섰다. 정문에서 부터 오르던 그 길을 다시 내려가며 수 도 없이 뒤돌아 보며 말씀 드렸다.
자주 올께요. 식구가 늘어나도 오고요, 아버님 생신때도 오고요, 기일에도 오고요, 저에게 좋은일 궂은일 생길때 마다 올께요…저의 아버님이 되어 주셔서 고마웠어요.
잠시전에 비가 내리기 전 보다 한결 깊어진 가을의 모습속에서 아버님과 빠이빠이 하고 귀경길에 올랐다.
2013년 11월 6일 수요일 천안 아버님을 뵙고
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